let's get intimate...

I was standing at the sink this morning when I had an epiphany, it's too early yet to say what it is, but it's a'comin, and while we wait I'd like to take this opportunity to coin the phrase "sinkiphany".

I like to start my mornings with a soundtrack, so I started trusty ol' ipo' (I know.. that's an unbelievably clever name for my ipod) at D for Devendra Banhart and grooved into the kitchen to tackle the dishes. As I'm standing there minding my own business and showing burnt cruds and pineapple crumbs who's boss, Ipo' starts to play an african sounding song - there is music on there I'm still learning. At any rate... as soon as that first africanesque note rang out I started feeling all achey.

In case you had not read this - which opens in a new window, I was in a relationship with an african guy who turned out to be the granddaddy of all liars. I've been pragmatic about the whole thing, as the end of the relationship wasn't really a great surprise, its precipitation on the other hand was a great shocker.

Anyhow, clever banter aside, as I stood at the sink exploring this achiness that drenches me everytime I am reminded of him, I had to acknowledge that it doesn't matter that I knew we had a shelf life... when he betrayed my trust something inside me went away.

I don't know what it is, and I'm pretty sure it's coming back.... but it's a motherfucker, this pain. (I wasn't actually going to use that word but Ipo' is now onto: eels "it's a motherfucker"- how serendipitous), (also I really need to stop with the random details). Anyhoo, everytime I acknowledge his betrayal mattered, it's a showdown between that truth and kick ass and take names big girls don't cry and he's soo not worth it attitude in my head that stops me in my tracks to grip whatever is handy. close eyes tightly. and breathe. just breathe past the achiness.

Of course, I know it's a part of the healing process and with every showdown whatever went away regenerates a little. But holy hell... let's talk about growing pains! Kinda like when I take my nose ring out and the hole starts to close, I know I can take it and it will be over in an instant... but once I get to the largest part of the hump getting the sucker back in hurts so bad I can't see how it will ever end, and let me tell you, I'm a girl with a ridiculously high tolerance for pain.

Ok, I'm done with the horrible analogies now. I guess the thing is I'm human, and this pain isn't about him or our sham of a relationship, these are just my own growing pains. So, yeah universe.. this is totally what I signed up for... but can we do something about the degree of pain you snuck into the fine print? Sneaky little bugger you.

In other news.. I've got two drawings marinating. Flower girl and meteor.

"Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before"

Who recognized my homage to The Smiths?

I forget now what propelled me to tell this story, but here goes.

I was involved in a relationship with a guy who seemed to hold all the promise and blessing of the universe. The thing is, just as apparent as his potential was his mess. He was all sorts of insecure and manipulative, which I chalked up cultural differences (he's from Zimbabwe, I'm from Jamaica) and flaws - which you reasonably ought to expect.

It should be apparent where this story is heading, so let me explain how it got there. I believe we all serve a function in each others lives, and as it became increasingly apparent to me how much of a mess I was in with this guy I became more convinced there was a reason we had crossed paths. I did not believe ours was a story without a moral, and I was not serving the universe justice if I did not sit it out to the big reveal.

Furthermore, even though he was a mess every one deserved to have some one love and believe in them, and perhaps my love and faith in him would make the difference he needed in his life. I didn't have any ideas I could "save" him, I just wanted to make a difference by showing him that he could be loved; and not everyone had selfish motives.

I will not delve into the hell I suffered because he NEVER trusted me, and everything I did was wrong, and every issue we ever had was my fault. He tried very hard to cut me off from the people I cared about or cared about me, because he felt noone liked him and everyone was trying to come between us or undermine him. Even more extreme was the issue of other men, he made a stink about ALL my male friends, and if I so much as attracted the attention of another man I could be sure there would be a scene made about it.

Imagine my horror at the big reveal - he proved to be likely the biggest man-whore in all of Athens county. He had lord only knows how many girls, flings, and fuck buddies all over my campus, his, and quite likely the internet. I am neither a pushover nor a fool, so you will understand that he put on quite the show to fool me. In the whole year plus we dated there were only two small indications that any such thing was happening and both were easily eclipsed by the fact that he did a GREAT job of crafting a solid image of someone not in the least inclined to infidelity - it wasn't in what he said but the things he did and how he carried himself. Kudos to you Langton Mahechani, you are the greatest con artist I have ever met.

Here is the moral of our story.

I was completely shell shocked by my discovery, and way more hurt than I thought possible since our relationship had always hung by a thread. Even now there are days I can barely breathe past the knot of that betrayal. But I don't think I was wrong to believe in him, and I do not regret a minute of our relationship. I do not know that he allowed me to make a difference in his outlook, but he certainly qualified mine. I have lost none of my love for, nor my faith in the goodness of people. But after Langton I recognised that though every one deserves love, chances, forgiveness, acceptance and all that zen shit, it's not automatic they should have MINE, and I need to have filters that help me decide who is and who is not worthy. If someone is a not.... I am going to be very sparing with the energy dedicate to them.


So my new take is to decide what's important to me in my relationships(friendships or otherwise), and stick to it. Nobody is perfect it's true. But I've recognised the need to establish where to draw the line.

The biggest thing I've learned is to stop caring and stop giving so much. I had no idea keeping myself and my shit to myself and allowing people to EARN whatever I give to them was so important, or would make me feel so emotionally healthy.


It might seem odd to those who know many of the details of what happened, but though I am hurt, I am not bitter, because I was cradled the whole time.

And I'm glad he taught me this necessary lesson to pass on to you.

Know you too are cradled.

bouncing back

Today I am happy because I befriended the universe. How could I ever dwell in tears when I get gifts like the turning of the leaves in SouthEast Ohio, or releasing a grasshopper from a windowless classroom and careless feet.

I have this urge to abandon standing upright, throw my arms back and float into the air, like I do in the sea. Even though I have yet to figure out the physics of feeding that particular desire, I am sated by the deep breaths of my imagination, by the feeling of rising when I think about how beautiful I am, how beautiful my life is. Of how gifted I am with the potential to do the things I desire.

The universe is vigilant, so goodness will always remain no matter how much I am touched by the ugly things in this world.

Today, I am happy because I can't help it!