Strange Universe

I dreamt the levee broke and as water cascaded over us you clung to my fingers and said "I could never love you in the real world, there you are only shadow."

Dreams have encroached like a potent ink drop in water making my days thick like walking underwater, everything muted and in slow motion.

I am alternately comforted and petrified by my surreal trap.

bouncing back

Today I am happy because I befriended the universe. How could I ever dwell in tears when I get gifts like the turning of the leaves in SouthEast Ohio, or releasing a grasshopper from a windowless classroom and careless feet.

I have this urge to abandon standing upright, throw my arms back and float into the air, like I do in the sea. Even though I have yet to figure out the physics of feeding that particular desire, I am sated by the deep breaths of my imagination, by the feeling of rising when I think about how beautiful I am, how beautiful my life is. Of how gifted I am with the potential to do the things I desire.

The universe is vigilant, so goodness will always remain no matter how much I am touched by the ugly things in this world.

Today, I am happy because I can't help it!

My relationship with the word no, and the neverending search for balance

I'm working on my relationship with the word "no". The universe is vast beyond most of our comprehension and I think we hide from it by getting lost in the daily bullshit. None of this is really as necessary as we think; maybe my theories are escapism, but I think all this job and house and money and just material bullshit prevents us from seeing the big picture (life as a true experience). Which is not to say they don't have their place - jobs and careers serve the function of rabbitholes, and help us to discover ourselves - and pay our bills - and if you got that down, then you cool.

Now.. back to no. I realise that the universe is a huge melting pot, if you will, of opportunities or rabbitholes. Whatever. For me, the point of life is experience. never say never, and never say no, but ironically I find I say no a lot. Sometimes I think if I don't say no, I'll be absorbed by the possibilities - literally disappear down a rabbithole - which might not be a bad thing. but I have other things on my agenda that I gotta stay grounded for.

So in the end, no for me, is about balance, because I'm that girl who's always gungho, always ready to make the flex and try something new, so a liberal sprinkling of the word no keeps me balanced, and reminds me that while life's experiences are ripe for the picking, no means standing for something, and if you don't, you're liable to fall for anything. Remembr that little gem?

waiting in the undercurrent

I understand the definition of subconscious to be where secondary processes take place, and from which our actions are REALLY driven.

That is a tough concept for me, because I live in the undercurrents of life, that "just beneath" place, which I think is the same wavelength on which the subconscious operates. I am very much AWARE of their exchange so neither my conscious nor subconscious is in subordination of the other, and I am always examining how things originate and are passed to the conscious self for execution.

The examination of the underneath things has a curious side effect. Happiness:

Sometimes I lie really still in the undercurrents (imagine: a fish hovering just under the surface), life flows over my waiting, and gradually I am filled up with a profound gratitude and awe for life. I begin to see the hugeness of our existence, and I feel this swelling inside myself, a fullness with the pure substance of the universe. As I inhale all I can of this magic, I always feel so full and heavy I think maybe my molecules will become full, I will become what the universe is made of, and I will be absorbed.

This is why I loved Annie Dillards "Pilgrim At Tinker Creek" so much. I can relate! Except she found it in flash and pomp, for me it's a gentle, escalating euphoria - which has led me to theorize that if you are searching for a connection with the universe then allow yourself to be truly happy. Or, allow yourself to connect with the universe, and you will be truly happy.

If you never have then you should try it, next time you see something beautiful, put everything else aside and allow it to fill you up.