let's get intimate...

I was standing at the sink this morning when I had an epiphany, it's too early yet to say what it is, but it's a'comin, and while we wait I'd like to take this opportunity to coin the phrase "sinkiphany".

I like to start my mornings with a soundtrack, so I started trusty ol' ipo' (I know.. that's an unbelievably clever name for my ipod) at D for Devendra Banhart and grooved into the kitchen to tackle the dishes. As I'm standing there minding my own business and showing burnt cruds and pineapple crumbs who's boss, Ipo' starts to play an african sounding song - there is music on there I'm still learning. At any rate... as soon as that first africanesque note rang out I started feeling all achey.

In case you had not read this - which opens in a new window, I was in a relationship with an african guy who turned out to be the granddaddy of all liars. I've been pragmatic about the whole thing, as the end of the relationship wasn't really a great surprise, its precipitation on the other hand was a great shocker.

Anyhow, clever banter aside, as I stood at the sink exploring this achiness that drenches me everytime I am reminded of him, I had to acknowledge that it doesn't matter that I knew we had a shelf life... when he betrayed my trust something inside me went away.

I don't know what it is, and I'm pretty sure it's coming back.... but it's a motherfucker, this pain. (I wasn't actually going to use that word but Ipo' is now onto: eels "it's a motherfucker"- how serendipitous), (also I really need to stop with the random details). Anyhoo, everytime I acknowledge his betrayal mattered, it's a showdown between that truth and kick ass and take names big girls don't cry and he's soo not worth it attitude in my head that stops me in my tracks to grip whatever is handy. close eyes tightly. and breathe. just breathe past the achiness.

Of course, I know it's a part of the healing process and with every showdown whatever went away regenerates a little. But holy hell... let's talk about growing pains! Kinda like when I take my nose ring out and the hole starts to close, I know I can take it and it will be over in an instant... but once I get to the largest part of the hump getting the sucker back in hurts so bad I can't see how it will ever end, and let me tell you, I'm a girl with a ridiculously high tolerance for pain.

Ok, I'm done with the horrible analogies now. I guess the thing is I'm human, and this pain isn't about him or our sham of a relationship, these are just my own growing pains. So, yeah universe.. this is totally what I signed up for... but can we do something about the degree of pain you snuck into the fine print? Sneaky little bugger you.

In other news.. I've got two drawings marinating. Flower girl and meteor.