Who recognized my homage to The Smiths?
I forget now what propelled me to tell this story, but here goes.
I was involved in a relationship with a guy who seemed to hold all the promise and blessing of the universe. The thing is, just as apparent as his potential was his mess. He was all sorts of insecure and manipulative, which I chalked up cultural differences (he's from Zimbabwe, I'm from Jamaica) and flaws - which you reasonably ought to expect.
It should be apparent where this story is heading, so let me explain how it got there. I believe we all serve a function in each others lives, and as it became increasingly apparent to me how much of a mess I was in with this guy I became more convinced there was a reason we had crossed paths. I did not believe ours was a story without a moral, and I was not serving the universe justice if I did not sit it out to the big reveal.
Furthermore, even though he was a mess every one deserved to have some one love and believe in them, and perhaps my love and faith in him would make the difference he needed in his life. I didn't have any ideas I could "save" him, I just wanted to make a difference by showing him that he could be loved; and not everyone had selfish motives.
I will not delve into the hell I suffered because he NEVER trusted me, and everything I did was wrong, and every issue we ever had was my fault. He tried very hard to cut me off from the people I cared about or cared about me, because he felt noone liked him and everyone was trying to come between us or undermine him. Even more extreme was the issue of other men, he made a stink about ALL my male friends, and if I so much as attracted the attention of another man I could be sure there would be a scene made about it.
Imagine my horror at the big reveal - he proved to be likely the biggest man-whore in all of Athens county. He had lord only knows how many girls, flings, and fuck buddies all over my campus, his, and quite likely the internet. I am neither a pushover nor a fool, so you will understand that he put on quite the show to fool me. In the whole year plus we dated there were only two small indications that any such thing was happening and both were easily eclipsed by the fact that he did a GREAT job of crafting a solid image of someone not in the least inclined to infidelity - it wasn't in what he said but the things he did and how he carried himself. Kudos to you Langton Mahechani, you are the greatest con artist I have ever met.
Here is the moral of our story.
I was completely shell shocked by my discovery, and way more hurt than I thought possible since our relationship had always hung by a thread. Even now there are days I can barely breathe past the knot of that betrayal. But I don't think I was wrong to believe in him, and I do not regret a minute of our relationship. I do not know that he allowed me to make a difference in his outlook, but he certainly qualified mine. I have lost none of my love for, nor my faith in the goodness of people. But after Langton I recognised that though every one deserves love, chances, forgiveness, acceptance and all that zen shit, it's not automatic they should have MINE, and I need to have filters that help me decide who is and who is not worthy. If someone is a not.... I am going to be very sparing with the energy dedicate to them.
So my new take is to decide what's important to me in my relationships(friendships or otherwise), and stick to it. Nobody is perfect it's true. But I've recognised the need to establish where to draw the line.
The biggest thing I've learned is to stop caring and stop giving so much. I had no idea keeping myself and my shit to myself and allowing people to EARN whatever I give to them was so important, or would make me feel so emotionally healthy.
It might seem odd to those who know many of the details of what happened, but though I am hurt, I am not bitter, because I was cradled the whole time.
And I'm glad he taught me this necessary lesson to pass on to you.
Know you too are cradled.
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