waiting in the undercurrent

I understand the definition of subconscious to be where secondary processes take place, and from which our actions are REALLY driven.

That is a tough concept for me, because I live in the undercurrents of life, that "just beneath" place, which I think is the same wavelength on which the subconscious operates. I am very much AWARE of their exchange so neither my conscious nor subconscious is in subordination of the other, and I am always examining how things originate and are passed to the conscious self for execution.

The examination of the underneath things has a curious side effect. Happiness:

Sometimes I lie really still in the undercurrents (imagine: a fish hovering just under the surface), life flows over my waiting, and gradually I am filled up with a profound gratitude and awe for life. I begin to see the hugeness of our existence, and I feel this swelling inside myself, a fullness with the pure substance of the universe. As I inhale all I can of this magic, I always feel so full and heavy I think maybe my molecules will become full, I will become what the universe is made of, and I will be absorbed.

This is why I loved Annie Dillards "Pilgrim At Tinker Creek" so much. I can relate! Except she found it in flash and pomp, for me it's a gentle, escalating euphoria - which has led me to theorize that if you are searching for a connection with the universe then allow yourself to be truly happy. Or, allow yourself to connect with the universe, and you will be truly happy.

If you never have then you should try it, next time you see something beautiful, put everything else aside and allow it to fill you up.